I'm 42, and for years I've felt pretty good about who I am. I've never felt perfect, but I've always had some measure of confidence in my strengths, feeling like they outweighed my weaknesses for the most part. Drawing from this confidence, I could boldly claim that I was trusting God day by day for this, that or the other thing. I was living by faith as long as I felt I had a handle on things. (Insert smirks and chuckles here)
However, la vie est dure.
There are at least 47 things in my life right now that are bigger than I am. Things I used to think I had the strength for. But I'm tapped out. Now understand, I tend to be a bit introspective and melancholy anyway, but this is more than the effect of too much navel gazing. Some things in life are just really hard, and they're harder when they're linked to your own insufficiencies: People I've disappointed, work I've left undone, opportunities I've let pass me by.
Other trials are just par for the course called Life. Without getting specific, I'll just lump all of these under the heading "things that didn't turn out like you thought they would." Make your own list of sand traps and water hazards.
Prayer has been difficult of late as I've wrestled with these problems that sort of remind me of cave trolls: big, scary, relentless. Oh, and ugly.
My prayer this morning went something like this as my heart welled up with tears: "Lord, I've got nothin'. Nothing to bring to the table. And You're still OK with this? You sure You still want to use me? If so, then I'm in. But I have nothing to offer."
And then for some reason I felt better, and not because the situation changed, but because my viewpoint changed. Life isn't hard because I've failed, life is just hard. And what business do I have trusting in myself anyway?
Casting all our anxiety and care on God because He cares for us assumes that we will have anxiety and care! (1 Peter 5:7) Keeping our minds stayed on Him so we can have perfect peace assumes that there is chaos all around. (Isaiah 26:3) That's what those promises are for - for now, when I really need them. Or you, or whomever.
What I'm slowly, stubbornly, becoming aware of is that I had to get to this point. I had to get here to (hopefully) learn that Jesus really is my sufficiency.
Oh, joy, that seeks me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not in vain
That morn shall tearless be!
3 comments:
Wait... did you write this or did I? ;) "And then for some reason I felt better, and not because the situation changed, but because my viewpoint changed. Life isn't hard because I've failed, life is just hard. And what business do I have trusting in myself anyway?"
I especially appreciated the 'helplessness praying'... there should be much more of that in our 'continual praying'. Though its from a distance, I'm glad God has used you often to hold up a mirror for me. Thanks brother!
I have been reading and thinking through Jeremiah lately... I know, I know... fun stuff ;], but I'm also reading Paul E Miller's 'A Praying Life'. Both have been very helpful. Both have helped me see God better and respond to Him more dependently and frequently.
Sure, I could do alot of this living without help... wait! Who am I kidding!?
Oh, Tim...thank you for helping me not feel completely crazy for writing this post! It was almost out of desperation that it came to be, and I felt a bit "exposed" in sharing it. Glad you could relate! :D
Blaine that was so well written. When we go thru the dark uncharted times in our life and we throw ourself on the Lord and ask him to help it all make sense, we feel peace that we know comes from Him. thank you for sharing and encouraging us all along. Your message Sunday ministered to so many people including me.
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